Joseph Edgar

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OJB Jezerel, Tears For Fears: A Tribute | By: Joseph Edgar

My very good friend Charles Aigbe of UBA called me out of the blue and in a shaky voice he asks me if I had heard of the demise of this wonderful being. I screamed and wet my pants. I felt the hot pee dribble down my trousers as I stood shell shocked and bewildered from this mad news. OJB the dimuntive producer, my friend and brother had finally given up. He had decided to leave us and take his genius to another realm. 

I stood perplexed and with pee still dribbling down my right leg I began to sob and hum a soft song of sorrow. I saw my brother flash past me in that minute. I saw his laughter as he listened to my tired jokes, I saw him injecting himself with the daily dose that was meant to keep him alive, I saw him play with his dreadlocks, I saw him attempt a feeble punch at me, threatening to beat me up like he usually did. I saw him stare at the backside of a very beautiful lady walk past even as I laughed at him that his prime had past especially with all the injections and drugs he had to take and I saw him boast that he was still a man in every way even as he attempted to strip to show me his manhood. I was in a confused state of laughter and tears. 

My tears turned to fear, fear for his wives and children, fear for his legacy and fear for this society that ate up its very best and chewed them out with the spittle of neglect and venomous hatred. OJB has gone and with him his gentle smile, his musical genius and a chapter in the life of a nation who once stood in awe at his musical prowess. I am still in a state of shock because he touched me. We walked through almost all the halls of useless capitalism seeking for funds for the over 30million Nigerians suffering from this debilitating illness. 

As we walked, the hot scorching sun biting us, OJB stopping momentarily to take his drugs and rest his tired and weary feet not wanting others to suffer like he was. Only UBA and AIICO especially AIICO gave us reprieve, the rest kicked us out of their offices. One even went ahead to host the 10th year anniversary of a musician with millions when all we just wanted was a paltry N500,000 to send to an ailing patient under OJBs care. My brother is gone. We shared the same birthdate and also shared a penchant for curvy women settling with the same number of ‘wives’ and loving every moment we shared. 

OJB’s death has paralyzed me and turned me into a zombie. I know he is within Gods bosom  for such people where never meant to last. They were built to live very short but impactful lives. Adieu my brother and don’t ever forget our song. The one we were trying to do in your studio upstairs that Saturday morning, you in your underwear, dreadlocks hanging loosely over your handsome face and me naked with only my boxer shots screaming and squealing all in the name of singing and disturbing your neighborhood. Our song will go with you as you glide towards our Lord in a blaze. Sleep well my brother and God bless. Lucky you.
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Opinion: Goodluck Jonathan Speak Now! | By: Joseph Edgar

Ex President Goodluck Jonathan Look what is leadership when your boys are being picked up daily on such a huge matter and you remain silent. This to me is not leadership at all o, this is close to small cowardice. Let me tell a small story. In my secondary school, Command Secondary School Ipaja, we used to go and ‘steal’ the chickens reserved for teachers. Now this was a military school but we were daily fed with measly and tasteless food, so we decided to be raiding the chicken meant for the teaching staff and commandant. 
This particular day, I had given my troops a verbal instruction to launch the usual raid and move all the frozen chicken to the rendezvous – a village just outside the school compound surrounded by thick forest. As the leader, I had gone ahead to negotiate with the hungry villagers. The agreement was that their women will help us in the cooking and we shared the chickens into two equal parts.
 One part for the people who helped in cooking and the other parts for we the ‘thieves’. But nemesis was waiting for us because the commandant had gotten intelligence report that cartons of his beloved frozen chicken were headed towards the Sambisa Forest by a team of thugs led by the ever invincible Joseph Edgar. So he immediately mobilized his troops to set a booby trap and catch us all in action. What he did not bargain for was my survival instincts. As I was eating, I started smelling their approach.
 My instincts warned me of danger and I made my move and escaped with my band. We dispersed into different locations and when the hapless troops personally led by the Commandant who was on a rescue mission of his beloved chickens appeared he met only the bones and half eaten Chicken heads we left for them. In anger and frustration, they arrested the villagers and made them confess. From the confessions of the villagers, they started picking dark, light, skinny and fat young boys. Anybody who fit these descriptions where arrested and taken to the ‘whitehouse’ for severe punishment. 
Me, the leader had surfaced at the school clinic with complaints of fever and got myself admitted thereby providing for myself a strong Alibi should the investigation ever got to me. My boys like Dasuki refused to talk but embarked on hunger strike in a bid to escape. But as the days progressed more and more of my boys were picked up and I had to stand up and confess asking the school to release the small boys that I was the one they were after. They gladly arrested me and left my boys.
 I confessed to taking only two chickens in my whole four years in the school and that I never ate the head of the chickens and that I went into this career because of my hatred of the cold Amala and tasteless beans they served us daily. I pleaded for my release offering my services to them which was to work with them to curb the activities of chicken stealers in the school. So my dear daddy, this story is for you. Even though the EFCC has come out to say they cannot tie anything to you just yet, I feel that as a serious leader, you should come out and say something for there is no way in this world that Dasuki could have done all these without some kind of authority or instructions. You cannot sit and watch people who worked for your reelection suffer like these while you keep mute. Please come out and take responsibility, take a stand like a man. Thank you Sir. 
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Joseph Edgar is and Investment banker, Award winning writer/author. He blogs fro a satirical point of view at josephedgarng.blogspot.com
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Entertainment

The Ebola Movie And The Nigerian Way | By: Joseph Edgar

Nigerian style of bad belle is beginning to creep into the very laudable movie project ’93 days’ being produced by the Amazon Bolanle Austen Peters and my very good friend Dotun.
For the first time in my writing career I am going to be heavily biased simply because of the injustice that is about to be unfolded. These duo Bolanle Austin Peters and Dotun Olakunrin with the enigmatic Director Steve Gukas came together to immortalize the efforts of not only Dr. Adadevoh but all the hard working and very passionate staff of the Fist Consultant Hospital in their fight against Ebola. That their efforts deserved to be preserved and celebrated cannot be contested hence the powerful decision by these three wonderful Nigerians to put the whole story on celluloid.
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They not only decided to shoot a movie, but went on about it with the highest level of integrity and professionalism. A value that is not common currency in today’s Nigeria, before embarking on this journey, they got all necessary permission including the permission of some of the closest blood relatives of Dr. adadevoh the main participant in this saga.
After this they got one of the most legendary Actors Danny Glover at a tremendous cost and flew him into the country for weeks of shooting and editing. I was privileged to be at one of the shoots and watched with amazement the powerful talents both local and international brought together by this trio to tell this story. The shoot took them to so many parts of the country and involved grueling hours of hard work and pain.
At the end of it all, the Nigerian factor has now reared its ugly head. Someone somewhere claiming progenitor to Dr. adadevoh not minding the fact that this story is in the public domain is now claiming ‘right’ on the story. The fact that she shares bloodline with the late Doctor now gives her a platform to now want to throw spanners in the wheel of this progress.
Look let me state it very clearly here that this story is a national story. It belongs to us all as Nigerians. It’s a story that more than ever before throws the very positive values of Integrity, self sacrifice and patriotism into the mix, values Nigerians are not known for at the global stage. Nobody has a right on this story and I dare say that Dr. adadevoh in her courage was only a vessel God used to highlight these qualities as being part of the Nigerian DNA.
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A story wildly reported cannot be said to be the copyright of an individual. People have the right to tell this story from any angle they want to. I have not yet gotten the details of this impending wahala but that will not stop me from beginning to shout and I I’ll shout even louder when I get all the details.
We must learn how to celebrate our heroes without fear of being taken to the cleaners. We must encourage people as they daily show uncommon courage. This has made other countries become great because of the selflessness of its Patriots and citizens and the way they are rewarded and celebrated. No doubt permission from the families of people to be depicted in vehicles like a motion picture must be sought and gotten and infact the final works in my own estimation must also receive clearance by the immediate families to make sure that there images and memories are protected before release to the public. This I am sure the promoters of this movie would have done judging from their pedigree.
But even this throws up some questions. If I was going to do a biopic of the Late Lawrence Anini would I seek permission from his family to depict him as he was? Would the family grant us permission to portray him for who he was, of course we all know the answer. So my point is that a national story must be freely told and depicted in such a way that truth is not compromised.
Like I said, I await more details, till then I have taken my stance and I really doubt if I will ever move from this position even as I consider telling my own Ebola story from my own angle permission or not.

*********************************************************************************Joseph Edgar is an investment banker who writes as a hobby. He comments on trending issues in Nigeria and around the globe from a satirical point of view. He blogs at josephedgarng.blogspot.com

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Entertainment

Ayo Fayose For President And Other Matters Arising | By: Joseph Edgar

I’m frustrated jo. I have been trying to get the pictures of Civil Servants Prostrating for my Governor having been caught coming to work late. The picture was so graphic with the worker in the picture and on the floor, flat out and begging for his job. His Excellency holding a microphone was most likely admonishing the worker and asking him to explain why he should not be ‘flogged’. This is my candidate for Presidency after the tenure of Lopsided Buhari. A President that will eat with market women, a President that will drive Trucks and make sure that Civil Servants prostrate and beg for coming to work late. My vote is for Fayose as I believe very strongly that Nigeria is ripe for this level of discipline. Can you imagine what Fayose would do to NNPC staff who do not know the exact amount our oil is sold for. They would be flat on their tummies trying to explain just how much they have lost in their various schemes. My Oga keep up the good work and while you are at it, add frog jump and touching your toe as official state policy on the reorientation of the people. You have my vote anyday.

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Oshiomole VS Orubebe
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These two have been going at it like a house on fire. All sort of names like Motor park touts, garage boy, jobless tout and a host of respectable expletives have been thrown around. Me I don’t know what their problem is these two. Instead of them to respect themselves, they are busy struggling to show us whose face is the ugliest in the market square. Decorum has been thrown overboard and the public have been fed with a roforofo we did not ask for and we certainly are not interested in. I can understand Orubebe’s frustration which showed very clearly when he jumped on stage during the elections with his bowler hat, microphone in hand in an attempt to push back the ‘change’ we had all voted for but Adams own is the one I don’t understand. Everything seems to be going for him, what with a very beautiful new wife, brand new suits, a visit to America, a new World Bank Loan and a possible appointment as Minister of Information in addition to his governance of Edo State why would he now be risking that to show us a dirtier Amaechi/Wike fight. By the way what is wrong with our Leaders in the south this season? Everybody is fighting and calling themselves out, from Wike to Amaechi and now Orubebe and Oshiomole while things are passing us by. Is it the time Ministers have been announced and in our new balancing act, we as a region get only the Minister for Culture and the remaining ministerial slot goes up north in this our new craze for meritocracy that we will understand that we need to be united and face serious issues. Na wa.

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100 days- Buhari’s Achievements
Every administration in a democracy has to celebrate its 100days. This tradition I want to believe started with the Americans and have become the cornerstone of democracy. I have heard all sort of rubbish about this our present government not achieving a lot in its first 100 days which is fast approaching. I beg to disagree. Me personally I have counted so many worthy achievements that if I start there will be no space to list them on this page. But because of Femi Fani Kayode and Olisa Metuh who will disagree with me, let me list out small. This government has redefined the meaning of balancing and merit in its short time of being in power. Today, we now know that merit and balancing means the lopsided concentration in appointments to one section of the federating units. This example I have taken in choosing my own cabinet as the recently elected chairman of our street association. All my aides come from Akwa Ibom, even though we are in Shomolu. This is because I used merit as a strong criteria in choosing them especially the Street Treasurer. Another achievement worthy of note is the 75m Loan granted Edo State. If you know how these loans are granted you will understand the need to celebrate it. Obasanjo has just celebrated the longest he has stayed without criticizing a sitting government. This government has achieved that monumental feat. OBJ has continued to support this regime and even agreed to go on some errands on their behalf. The Government has not arrested any critic, despite the oga’s known impatience with the Press and critics. If we don’t get one arrest by the 100 days, then we should be gunning for the Nobel Peace Prize for our leader. Another major achievement so far is the hosting of the UN Secretary General who has come to lend his voice to the growing applause our regime has been receiving. Furthermore, a major visit to America was embarked upon with strong visibility in the worlds media. This visit to me can be highlighted as a major achievement in our first 100days in power. Strong photo opportunities with President Obama emerged, Oshiomole wore a new suit, Rochas Okoroacha even erected billboards to mark the epoch making event and finally on my list of significant achievements, for the first time in our history the opposing party was very instrumental in the selection of the Senate President. If this is not democracy then what it is and lest I forget, the probes. Everything and everybody is being probed. This was a major campaign promise and yet some people are accusing the Government in reneging in campaign promises. They promised a major assault on corruption and that is what we are seeing with the probes of everything from the former President to the last Motor Park Touts. So as you can see there is a lot to celebrate, it’s just this arm chair critics that litter our political space who just want to cause katakana who are just confusing us. I rest my case.

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Sexual Harrassment and the University Of Lagos.

I really wanted to ignore this issue until I read an article over the last weekend on this matter. The writer talked about her own experiences while at Unilag which I must say is my own alma mata too. She talked about how she was coaxed for sex by her lecturers before being passed in exams. Before this, was also the well publicized rape case between a lecturer and a student seeking admission. Unilag have come out to say that the suspect was not part of them despite the fact that the assault took place within their premises. This issue has to be addressed once and for all. That school is a cesspool of rapists and would be rapists. Everybody and anybody is being harassed in the place. It is a free for all and there are no saints. The students harass the lecturers and the lecturers in turn harrass the students and themselves. It’s a cesspool which can be likened to the biblical Sodom and Gomorah. I don’t know how this issue can be thrashed out in that school as the matter is now part and parcel of the school. They even came out to deny the lecturer in a shameful bid at a cover up. During orientation excercise, I believe that you are even told to expect to be harassed and the fact that you are a married woman would not give you any immunity. My wife was harassed, me I was harassed and now my daughter has told me, she would like to attend Unilag, me and my wife slapped her simultaneously before she finished her sentence. She will go to that University inside the Redeemed Camp. At least that one Holy Ghost Fire will slap any randy lecturer that goes near her. I think our government should unleash one of its probe panels on that place with a view to not only punishing all culprits but also seeking for ways with which the issue could be tackled effectively. But they should be careful sha, because I suspect that by the time they are through there will be no lecturers left in the place to teach. Unilag has gone to the dogs, a center of excellence in sexual Harrasment. Rubbish.

Segun Odegbami

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Chairman At The International Sports Academy Segun Odegbami For FIFA President

Ole boy see ambition. The man never even try Ogun State FA na a whole FIFA he dey jump to. Why do we like making a mockery of ourselves in this country. Instead of us to just respect ourselves and stay quietly looking for how we will solve our myriad of problems, some of us will be exposing our craw craw infested bottoms on the international scene. Odegbami throwing his candidacy if he is serious would only just make for laughter and mockery and a side show during the elections. Abeg, make he go rest. You think it’s to speak ijebu English on TV and to run around the place in past glory is the only qualification to be FIFA President or is his candidacy one of the APC electioneering promises that must be fulfilled. I can’t stop laughing since I read the story. Egbon, please come to Shomolu our FA needs a chairman with your kind experience, please start from there no vex.

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Goodswill Akpabio An Uncommon Accident

My ex Governor was recently involved in an uncommon accident and I thank the Lord almighty for preserving his life. This is my Oga for life because it was he who transformed my state in a feat of uncommon transformation to the eldorado it is today. You should see the road that leads to my mother’s house at the Ewet Housing Estate in Uyo then you will begin to see why my total admiration and adulation cannot be adulterated. I thank God for sparing the life of this worthy citizen of Akwa Ibom even as I pray that no weapon sharpened by your enemies shall prosper against you, no probe shall come near you in the name of the mighty father who has made you what you are today. I am already organizing a thanks giving service here in shomolu for all natives of Akwa Ibom who live hear to sing praise and worship to the Lord for sparing your life. I sincerely hope this accident is not the work of your political enemies or Boko Haram but whatever the case we thank God. Sorry sir, pele. It is well. Kpe.

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Joseph Edgar is an investment banker, he writes as a hobby and blogs at Josephedgarng.blogspot.com

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The Very Poor Boy At Silverbird

I had just come out of a meeting with my new partner Lami yesterday evening, when I decided to detour to the Silverbird galleria to meet up with a friend for drinks, all in a bid to wait out the ever regular traffic jam that has now made Victoria Isalnd a tourist attraction.
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After wondering round the galleria boring myself with what it had to offer, I decided to brave the traffic and go home. As I came out of the Galleria a very young boy of twelve, walked up to me and shuffled a pack of cotton buds to my face. He was very persistent and could only mutter the words, ‘cotton bud, buy’.
Now, I love cotton buds, the tickle it gives my ears and the sensation that slowly goes through my body, gives me goose pimples and makes me just sleep like a fool. This made me not to be able to resist this littles boys offer, so I asked him how much and he said, ‘wazo’. I looked at the security men and asked the meaning of what he had just said. They told me he meant N50, so I paid and collected one pack and moved on. 
On second thoughts, I looked back and beckoned at him. He walked towards me, dirty green slippers flashing in the dark. He wore brown shorts, held to his tiny waist with a rope, a faded green shirt and a smile that promised a glowing future despite the present gloom. His energy engaged me and I decided to talk with him. 
He lives in Ijora, but comes to VI every evening to sell cotton Buds, he had sold a pack that evening  and it was a good day. His mum a local pedicurist was in Ijora with his younger ones  waiting eagerly eagerly for his return so that they can prepare dinner.  He does not know his father. 
After each sale, he will jump on the keke Marwa to Obalende and from there he will board a Bus to one Bus Top from where he will be “seeing Ijora from afar” and from there the last leg of the journey will begins.
His skin was powdery, but his eyes where bright. He smiled confidently and was not fazed with his situation. He spoke glowingly of his mum and his business and was very sure that he would get home safely even though it was late. He always got home safely. He was that sharp and strong. 
I stared at their 12 year old and I swear cried. Real tears o. His poverty touched me and I began to wonder just why would a living God allow this. Why would this boy be exposed to such suffering but his smile consoled me. He looked at me with those bright eyes and not understanding why I was crying asked if I wanted more cotton buds. I just looked at him and kept crying. 
He didn’t understand the tears, but saw this as an opportunity to sell the remaining two packs he was holding in his tiny hands, so he stretched out his hands and said those lovely words, ‘cotton, buy’. I took the remaining two and gave him N1000 and he immediately prostrated saying thank you in Yoruba and blessing me. 
This was the poor boy, I met yesterday. I will pray for his safety and for his wellbeing. God will bless him, God will continue to protect him, secure his future and give him the presence of mind to forgive this society when he finally gets his triumph. 
Amen.
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Joseph Edgar is an Investment Banker, who writes as a hobby. He has a column in Thisday on Saturdays(Page 20), and a blog josephedgarng.blospot.com where he comments on trending issues from a comical, satirical point of view. 
NB: The Photo attached is an internet image and not the actual photo of the boy
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Etcetera: A Clown In The Making | By: Joseph Edgar

I have never read any of this persons articles because I see him as an unabashed seeker of relevance especially where his failure in his original calling is so apparent, so to keep in the public eye, he resorts to penning shallow and not carefully thought out nonsense which only tickles the fancy of the barely literate and ignorant like himself. 
However, I was asked by a friend to go through this his last article in which he chronicles his reason why men cheat. The arrogance of it all makes me feel like puking and the lack of careful understanding of the issues that lead to ‘men cheating’ was more than obvious in the whole waste of time he has called an article. 
This was a major rehash of beer parlor talk. I am sure in his joblessness, he has toured around in his one brown double breasted suit listening to the litany of crass jokes passed by near drunk sailors on the very sensitive relations between men and women and not possessing the deep intellectual faculties needed to decipher fact from sailors talk has scribbled this down as scientific reasons why men cheat. 
I abhor this article even if I dare state that there is no general reason that can universally explain why men cheat or even women for that matter. Each case should be looked at from the prism of the unique situation and explain it from that point. Putting a total blanket on it reeks of utter stupidity and drunken melancholy. Having access to various popular social media platforms doesn’t give anybody the right to be this stupid. 
I could not bring myself to finish the article and here is me hoping that he redeemed himself at the end, but judging from what I had read from the top, I doubt. Seizing on the Toke episode to spew such inanities is the height of wickedness. Me self I yabbed Toke when it happened, but in a lighter mode, because I could feel her pain and the pressure having to go through that kind of mess in the public eye. 
Women are very sensitive in nature. They must be loved and protected and when these things happen as they are bound to happen, a safety net should be woven around them to console, comfort and wean them out of the pain instead of casting a net of fallacy and fronting it with intellectually bereft morons like this Etcetera person. 
I have cheated in the past and it was not because I am ‘a man’ and because It’s my nature simply by my sex but because I was childish and plain stupid. I saw the pain in the eyes of the victim, I saw a strong woman withdraw into her shell with shame written all over her. I saw a woman who had given me her life and birthed children for me, go from a proud and confident woman to zombie, loosing her essence and wishing death. Many nights I cried myself to sleep on the couch, many times I hated myself for causing such wickedness to another beautiful human being and have prayed to be given an opportunity to make amends. This I feel may never happen as the pain has been etched deeply and I am still in the cold almost five years after. 
So Mr, etcetera or is it coma you call yourself, you sado-masochist diatribe has not sat down with me and millions of real men and I dare say you have not represented us in this position but yourself and yourself alone. 
I have spoken. 
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Joseph Edgar is an Investment Banker, who writes as a hobby. He has a column in Thisday on Saturdays (Page 20), and a blog josephedgarng.blospot.com where he comments on trending issues from a comical, satirical point of view. ‎
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Joseph Edgar's Loud Whispers: Olisa Adibua and Mike Aremu what's going on

I was at Olisa’s man cave tucked inside sleepy but highbrow Ikoyi recently. The plush apartment was a single girls delight. Comfy couches, concert memorabilia and like six split Air conditioners all humming so effortlessly while the well stocked bar just stared at you daring you to ask for that drink it cannot provide.
I only just met Olisa when I went to his Radio station to plug my charity football match which was organized recently to raise funds for kidney patients in the country. As I was being prepped up for the interview, my curious self peeped into a door and behold was Olisa  on one of the stools trying to keep busy.
I immediately walked in and introduced myself and there began a friendship I hope will last to the next generation. A nice guy with a cool mien, Olisa and I started talking, looking for what we could do together and finally a joint project with Mike Aremu one of the most gifted saxophonist in the country emerged. 
Now, I have a little story to tell about Mike. One of those years, when my wife caught me again with the daughters of the devil and refused to give me food to eat, I rushed to Mike to come and put mouth. I had only just met him two weeks earlier. My plan was that if an internationally recognized saxophonist with a rich repertoire of nice romantic songs carefully played in the smoothest of styles, played for my wife my problem will be solved and I can continue with my other career.
So I briefed Mike very well and that day, despite his tight schedule appeared at the venue, a lush lounge on the island with his well polished Sax and cool Afro.  He introduced himself to my wife, who gave him a cold stare and just ignored him. Mike, believing in the power of his tunes started playing.
 Ol’boy Mike play that day o, other ladies in the lounge started crying and were moved. I could see them kissing their hubbys’ but my madam no move. Infact the frown got worse, I begged Mike to try some Yoruba tunes since the oyibo one was not working.
Mike started playing some IK Dairo tunes and a faint smile came up. My Yoruba princess was awakening and then Mike hit her with Victor Olaiyas Classic baby jo wo, by this time foluke was up on her fit and shaking that waist that had mesmerized me for years. I was so happy and thanked Mike and wished him well in his career. So we went home and I ended again on the couch instead of the bedroom, Kai mike’s cure only ended in Victoria island o, it did not follow us to Shomolu. 
But ever since, Mike has continued to be my friend, so you see why this coming together of these two showbiz legends to organize this year’s sax appeal is making me feel excited all over again, simply because I am still on the coach and hoping that this time Mike’s healing balm will give a more lasting solution to my wahala with madam. ‎
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