Call Me Caitlyn Edgar

As I watch my former friend Bruce Jenner morph into a very beautiful mature sexy woman, I begin to ask myself questions. These questions bother on why I should not do the same thing and transform into Ekaette, oluwayemisi Edgar. You see, these thoughts have been swirling in my head with all the media attention and money my friend Bruce or sorry Caitylyn has been making since she cut off her penis and introduced breasts and make up into her life. 

The only thing that has stopped me so far but not for long though is the sweetness of a curvy, chubby woman. Once I remember just how lovely it is as you descend into the core of womanhood, I will just back out from making that call. But why would I want to turn into a woman. Is life as a woman more interesting, I doubt. 

What with all their wahala, expensive fake hair, monthly visitor, the fact that they itch for marriage and when they get married itch to get out. The fact that they remain subservient to their husbands and can’t even go and buy sweet without taking permission is really a big turn off. Although an attraction for me is the opportunity of having those organs like the breast and the you know what all to myself without having to beg, steal or borrow to enjoy it is a definite pull. 

But how would I look like as a woman. I have looked at myself critically, I’m sure I would have to pay a premium to get the change because the Doctors would have to work double to ensure a successful sex change. They would have to work on my scattered teeth, straighten my Bowlegs, reduce my calves, take extra time to shave off my huge manhood, which I must say is really huge, bleach my skin, grow very very big breast for me and carve out a Kim Kardashian type ass for me. All these would cost quite a pile and take double the time it took them to transform Bruce to transform me to Ekaette. 

Now what kind of men would I be attracted to. I would want to date men who are like me now.. Men, who are sophisticated and classy. Men who understand the rhythms of classical music and who know how to treat a lady. but what kind of men would I like to sleep with, I will like to sleep with men like Chinese men with little peckers so they won’t spoil the newly created vagina and as I get older and the vagina gets more relaxed and ready I will graduate from Chinese men and go for Yoruba men with a little bit bigger peckers than Chinese men but still small though and then end up with calabar men who not only have fantastic peckers but know how to use it. I will not go near the Hausa men whose peckers are legendary in their size lest my vagina ends up like a Boko Haram Bomb site. 

As I think, I begin to imagine what could go wrong as a woman, I won’t know how to seat like a lady, I would give every body a free show as I would continue to seat like a man opening up my legs and showing my newly manufactured vagina for all to see. I will not know how to keep men guessing and making them work before getting access to my gloryhole. I will still have the manly strong urge for sex and would thereby turn into a nympho and increase the risk of catching Aids. I could be exposed to very wicked men, who will be mean to me and take advantage of my inexperience at being a woman and much more importantly I would really be ugly as a woman. 

So all said, I think I will rest the idea of turning into Ekaette and remain the strong confident He goat that has continued to be a terror to all women from size 20 and above. 

Teheeeeeee
Joseph Edgar is an investment banker who writes as a hobby. He comments on trending issues in Nigeria and around the globe from a satirical point of view. He blogs at josephedgarng.blogspot.com

The Caitlyn Jenner Transgender Madness | By: Etcetera

And that’s how Bruce Jenner unveiled his new identity, leaving his male identity behind with Caitlyn. Trust Nigerians not to be left behind in the gossip and buzz it generated.
A female radio presenter was like, “Oh my God,” so Bruce Jenner is now Caitlyn Jenner? What the hell is going on?”
Pleaseeeee, Nigerians should stop feigning surprise like they’ve not seen or heard anything like this before. You all should stop acting like we don’t have our own Denrele Edun.
Mscheeeeeewwwww – is it because Bruce or Caitlyn (whatever she is called now) finally had enough balls to come out and say he is now a woman? It’s just a matter of time, Denrele will be woman enough and do same thing and give us something new to talk about aside from his Nkechi-like hairdo.
I don’t think it should even be in our news that Caitlyn Jenner is now a transgender. There are thousands of them in America. They infused the word in our vocabulary and it has become an umbrella term for people whose gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned by God.
An American transgender described Caitlyn as the “Change” that America champions which is why America is always ahead of the rest of the world.
Hahahahaha! Change indeed.
HELLO!!!! can someone tell that American transgender or transsexual or whatever she is that the slogan for the new government in Nigeria is “CHANGE?”
Lol, we’ve had Denrele since and we didn’t see him as change… Maybe someone should show her Denrele’s pictures so that she will be aware that Nigeria is catching up with them. Jesus Christ! Is this what being westernised is all about? Isn’t this madness? Isn’t that the term for those who enjoy dressing as the opposite sex? Or should we refer to Denrele as a cross-dresser for now until he finally plucks off his balls? Does it look like Denrele will eventually pluck off his balls? Yes, eventually. It is just a matter of time.
We are already used to his lipsticks, heels and Nkechi hairdo. And of course, he’s already been a poster “girl” for Nigerian magazines for as long as I can remember. The same poster girl that Bruce, oh sorry Caitlyn Jenner has dreamt of becoming since he/she was a child. Shit!!! – How do you write an article about Denrele and Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner if you keep identifying them by the wrong gender pronoun? Am I going to be saying “sorry” whenever I make mistakes like, “He looks hot,” or “she looks hot?” The American system has made it impossible to mention Bruce and balls in the same sentence. Like Caitlyn Jenner, are we soon going to start using the V-word for Denrele and Charlie boy too? I pray we never get there.
Our society doesn’t deserve such cruelty and madness. Denrele and Charlie Boy, for society’s sake, please keep your balls.. Lol…
Lawmakers, we need a little help here. Can you guys please give us something to stop Denrele, Uncle Charlie Boy or any other Nigerian from de-balling themselves now or anytime in the future? The lawmakers should do something about transgenders.
That Bruce Jenner is no longer a man proves that America has gone mad. We shouldn’t allow the west to influence us wrongly. These guys have been the butt of jokes and the source of rumours and speculations for years, as their appearances became more feminine.
They need our prayers now more than ever. As for Bruce Jenner, he needs Jesus. Without Jesus, he is hopeless—regardless of whether he struggles with gender identity or not. Eternity is a small and rapidly decreasing number of heartbeats away and he will live in hell, as Bruce Jenner, not Caitlyn, for trillions of years (forever) in horrifying, unending torment, with a never-ending panic attack. The same goes for everyone who is reading this and has been chasing a different identity from that which God has given you. Hell is your future. You will live in terror. This is the truth.

The most hotly anticipated football match is here.

‎The hotly anticipated football match between Spanish club, Barcelona and Italian side, Juventus is today. The Champions League game is taking place at Berlin, Germany and needless to say it promises to be an exciting match. 
Although Barcelona are favourites to win the trophy but you know football can be unpredictable. I’m an ardent fan of Barcelona and of course I’m backing them to claim the silverware. Wishing both sides the best of luck.

Actor, Femi Adebayo set to remarry?

If the report on Netng is anything to go by, then actor and producer, Femi Adebayo is about walking another wife down the aisle. Sources in the know revealed that the sought-after-actor found love 2 years ago after his marriage to his wife, Khadijat crashed. The marriage will reportedly hold in the coming weeks.

Photo: Babcock University honours Babatunde Fashola.

Former Governor of Lagos state, Babatunde Raji Fashola was honoured with an award of Honoris Causa by Babcock University  at the University’s Post Graduate convocation ceremony yesterday. The renowned lawyer was recognized for his visionary leadership in innovatively attracting foreign investment to Lagos state amongst others. 

Short Story: The Birth Of Mbare | By: Eugene Odogwu

SOME PROFOUND births tend to be the result of foolish events. Mbare’s was one of such births, Adudu being the fool in question. It was one of those nights where even the air was latent with careless abandon, where a man would be tempted to see the bottom of his gourd over and over again. 
Adudu soon lost count of how many times he emptied his palm wine gourd sinto his bulging stomach. Soon his eyes fell on a figure outside the drinking hut. No one in Asiga would ever mistake Ene’s figure for someone else’s. 
The curves were obvious even half hidden in the shadows as they were, their fullness and fleshiness apparent under the waning firelight like a fresh fruit begging to be plucked. Adudu smiled and belched as only a drunken hunter would and he pushed himself off his low bench, falling back more times than he rose.

‘Ene,’ he slurred as he staggered over. ‘Even Nda’s fullness doesn’t rival those mounds you carry.’ A stray finger poked one of her ample bosom. 

Ene slapped his hand away, kissing her teeth and shuffling further away, her hips swinging like hanging oranges. Adudu followed, the swishing palm wine in his belly responding to Ene’s rhythm.

‘Where are you going, Ene?’ He placed a hand on her shoulder, more for his stability than to stop her; ‘Won’t you spare me even a few moments this night?’

‘Adudu, go away,’ she said brushing his hand off her shoulder. ‘Leave me alone. Go and bathe in the stream and wash off that terrible smell of old wine.’

‘Ah, Ene,’ he pulled up beside her, pressing himself into her backside. His arousal could be felt even through the thick layers that formed her skirt. ‘That was not what you said after the last harvest in the bush behind my hut.’

‘Maybe after next harvest you might persuade me differently, Adudu, but not tonight, your smell rivals that of a latrine pit. Adudu,I have errands to run so go chase some other unfortunate person.’

Maybe it was the palm wine swirling around in his brain, maybe it was the bulge in his groin, whatever it was, a sudden force motivated Adudu to throw himself upon Ene, wrapping his limbs around her fleshiness.

‘Ah, Ene, come and let me warm you this night.’

Ene yelped, struggling against the drunken embrace.

‘Get away from me, Adudu!’ She screamed and pushed the drunk off her before running off in the opposite direction, moving as fast as her softly rounded limbs would allow.
Adudu rolled in the sand, laughing and pointing at Ene’s retreating figure.

‘Run O! We will see who would run away from whom in the coming harvest.’

Distractedly, his hand fell to his groin, carelessly slipping beneath his loincloth. ‘See? See what you’ve done with that body of yours.’ 

Before long his hand had established a rhythm accompanied by drunken grunts that faded into the night. Adudu in a fit of excitement jumped to his feet, increasing the rhythm of his hand and with a loud trembling snort spurted his seed unto the earth.

‘Ahhhh,’ he sighed. ‘That’s for you, Mba, if Ene won’t take my seed, surely you who takes in all seed shall accept mine.’

He laughed drunkenly, brushing loose soil over the white stain on the ground before pouring a bit of his palm wine upon it and staggering off into the night, leaving only the dark and gloom to witness his seeds sprout roots within Mba, the earth. Roots that would in years to come, taking its time like most mighty trees did, grow into a towering tree, rich in color and beauty. 

Like many profound births, Mbare’s birth was unwitnessed. Its splendor and beauty were unseen and unheard. The bark of the tree did not part for him to emerge like a limb, nor did its fruits swell into the size of a man. Mbare was birthed like a tuber just beneath the tree roots, Mba’s womb cracking and bulging to yield her son’s bulk out into the open. He did not come out a child, confused and crying to suckle. Mbare emerged fully grown…


***************************************************************************************************
Eugene Odogwu is a graphic artist, African fantasy writer and illustrator. He lives in Lagos and is currently working on a collection of short stories.


***************************************************************************************************
‎Are you a writer? Interested in sharing your short stories on this platform? Be our guest on our Short Story Fridays segment.

Email: loladevilleblog@gmail.com/[email protected] 
Photocredit: http://thelittlebaobab.com

Group launches 'Buharimeter' to track Buhari's campaign promises.

Just like the Obamameter, the Nigerian Civil Society has launched Buharimeter to track the delivery of the promises President Muhammadu Buhari made while campaigning for the 2015 general elections. So don’t think it ended with campaigns, voting and the chants of Sai Buhari. Nigerians are really keen on holding the government to account.
According to Premium Times,The performance of the government will be measured using three methods.
(1) It will crowdsource Nigerians’ contributions to discussions, comments on policy pronouncements of the government in achieving its set targets and surveys.
(2) It will carry out policy and media monitoring exercise.
the Buharimeter app
(3) Physical checks on projects.
The app which was built by the Centre for Democracy and Development with support from Open Society Foundation West Africa and a leading budget data analytics, Budget was launched on Monday. ‎
“Policy statements will be acquired, analysed and used as basis for gauging the performance of the government,” Idaya Hassan, director of the centre stated.

List Of 46 Bills passed by Senate yesterday

The Nigerian Senate yesterday  set a legislative record after it passed 46 bills into law within 10 minutes. ‎Below is a list of the bills.

1. Tertiary Education Trust Fund (Establishment etc) Act (Amendment), 2015

2. Office of the Nigerian Financial Ombudsman Bill

3. Institute of Chartered Trustees of Nigeria Bill

4. National Convicts and Criminal Records (Registry) Bill, 2015

5. Community Service Bill

6. People’s Bank of Nigeria Act (Repeal) Bill

7. Nigerian Bank for Commerce and Industry Act (Repeal).

8. National Commission for Rehabilitation Act (Repeal) Bill;

9. Maintenance Orders Act (Repeal) Bill, 2015;

10. Federal Saving Bank Act (Repeal) Bill 2015;

11. Loan (State Development) Act (Repeal), 2015;

12. Nigerians in Diaspora (Establishment) Commission, 2015;

13. Electronic Transactions Bill, 2015;

14. Chartered Institute of Statiscians of Nigeria, 2015

15. Nigerian Metallurgical Industry Bill, 2014

16. Federal Audit Commission Bill, 2015

17. National Centre for Agricultural Mechanisation Act (Amendment,) Bill

18. Nigerian International Financial Centre (Establishment, etc) Bill

19. Investment and Securities (Amendment) Bill

20. Nigerian Communications Satellite, Bill

21. Federal Capital Territory Education Resources Centre
(Establishment) Bill

22. Labour Institutions (Establishment)

23. Witness Protection Programme Bill

24. Institute of Mediators and Conciliators Bill

25. Legal Education Act (Establishment) Bill

26. National Health Insurance Commission Bill

27. National Economic Intelligence Committee (Establishment) Act (Repeal) Bill

28.Federal College Dental Technology and Therapy Bill

29. Federal Capital Territory College of Nursing and Midwifery
Bill

30. Oaths Act (Amendment) Bill

31. Federal Capital Territory Hospital Management Board
(Establishment) Bill

32. Passport (Miscellaneous Provisions) (Amendment) Bill

33. Chartered Institute of Management Accounts of Nigeria

34. Federal Capital Territory Water Board (Establishment) Bill
35. Institute of Local Government and Public Administration
Bill

36. Whistle-blower Protection Bill

37. Family Economic Advancement Programme (Establishment,
etc) 2015

38. Family Support Trust Fund Act (Repeal) Bill

39. Nigerian Industrial Development Bank (Guarantee) Act (Repeal) Bill

40. Treasury Management Bill 2015

41. Legislative Powers and Privileges Act (Repeal and Re-
Enactment) Bill

42. Anti-Torture Bill, 2015

43. Lobbyist (Registration and Regulation) Bill

44. National Hospital for Women and Children, Abuja (Establishment, etc) Act (Amendment) Bill,

45. Nigerian Prisons Act CAP, P29 LFN 2004 (Repeal and Re-
Enactment) Bill 2015 and

46. Nigerian Oil and Gas Industry Content Act 2010
(Amendment) Bill 2015.
Open chat