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5 Relationship Killers and How to Avoid Them


Relationships do fail. That’s the fact. However, we ask many times why they don’t work out. Over the years, there have been five major relationship killers:

(1) CONTROLLING BEHAVIOUR: Most people enter a relationship with a deep fear of rejection, and this fear motivates various forms of controlling behaviour. Controlling behaviour falls into two major categories – overt control and covert control. Overt control includes many forms of attack, such as blaming anger, rage, violence, judgment, criticism and ridicule. Covert control includes compliance, enabling, withdrawal, defending, explaining, lying and denying. Often a person at the other end of attack will respond with some form of covert control in an attempt to have control over not being attacked.
Controlling behaviour always results in resentment and emotional distance, bringing about the very rejection that it is meant to avoid.

(2) RESISTANCE: Many people enter a relationship with a deep fear of being engulfed and controlled – of losing themselves. The moment they experience their partner wanting control over them, they respond with resistance – withdrawal, unconsciousness, numbness, forgetfulness, and procrastination.

When one partner is controlling and the other is resistant – which is really an attempt to have control over not being controlled – the relationship becomes immobilized. Partners in this relationship system feel frustrated, stagnant, and resentful.

(3) NEEDINESS: Many people enter a relationship believing that it is their partner’s job to fill their emptiness, take away their aloneness, and make them feel good about themselves. When people have not learned how to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, and to define their own self-worth, they may pull on their partner and others to fill them with the love they need.

(4) SUBSTANCE AND PROCESS ADDICTIONS: Most people who feel empty inside turn to substance and process addictions in an attempt to fill their emptiness and take away the pain of their aloneness and loneliness. Alcohol and drug abuse, food, spending, gambling, busyness, Internet sex and pornography, affairs, work, TV, accumulating things, beautifying, and so on, can all be used as ways to fill emptiness and avoid fears of failure, inadequacy, rejection and engulfment. And they are all ways of shutting out your partner.

(5) EYES ON PARTNER’S PLATE: Many people are acutely aware of what their partner is doing that is causing relationship problems, but completely unaware of what they are doing. For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s resistance or withdrawal, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behaviour. You might be very aware of your partner’s anger, but completely unaware of your own compliance. You might be very aware of your partner’s addictive behaviour, but very unaware of your own enabling. As long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that if only your partner changed, everything would be okay.


RESOLVING RELATIONSHIP KILLERS

All relationship killers come from fear – of inadequacy, of failure, of rejection and of engulfment. As long as you are coming from any of these fears, you will be behaving in one or more of the above ways. The way out is to develop a loving adult self who knows how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs. You will move beyond controlling, needy and addictive behaviour only when you learn how to fill yourself with love and define your own inner worth.
When you are willing to take your eyes off your partner’s plate and turn your eyes fully on yourself, you can begin to do the inner healing work necessary to heal yourself and your relationship. To learn more, register for the Single Ladies Conference here and be part of this great event. www.goo.gl/KWi6BP

In Cameroon Boko Haram Is Preached As A Religion | By: Odimegwu Onwumere

The authorities and well-meaning people of Nigeria are yet worried about stopping the trashy activities of the Islamic sect popularly known and called Boko Haram in the country, but the sect is concerned about recruiting as many youths as possible in Cameroon into accepting the sect activities as a religion. As the sect holds influence in the North-East of Nigeria since 1999 killing over 4,000 people and damaging property worth millions of naira, government officials in Cameroon are worried that the apparent activities of the sect in Cameroon’s Far North Region is becoming bothersome. This is coming barely a fortnight the Ghanaian former President Jerry John Rawlings reportedly disclosed at the 70th birthday of Nigeria’s former Foreign Affairs Minister, Chief Tom Ikimi in Igueben, Edo State that, Nigeria should not be somnolent in the fight against Boko Haram, but suggested that tactful measures in the fight would benefit.
From Rawlings’ comment, it has become incommodious that Boko Haram might take over the continent of Africa if urgent measures are not taken and earnestly put in place to curb the activities of the group. After Nigeria, the fight against the dreaded sect without doubt has also become a thorn in the flesh of Cameroon as over 200 suspected Boko Haram members have been arrested in that country and were later set free for what authorities said was because of lack of adequate evidence to prosecute the arrested. When this reporter made a journey of Lake Chad through Maiduguri recently, a young man who introduced himself to this reporter as Adamu and warned that pictures of him should not be taken, said that his worry in the country (Cameroon) is that members of the Islamic sect are preaching about their activities as a religion and not as terrorism.

“I can conveniently tell you that youths in our country Cameroon are being indoctrinated into believing that Boko Haram is a religion and not a terrorism organization. Many youths who refused to accept the volatile teachings of the group are missing today. Few of them who narrowly escaped from their captors narrated their ordeals, saying that they were being given military training in undisclosed areas so that they would be deployed to fight in Nigeria,” the source said.
It was also noted that in Mayo-Sava area and Mora District in Far North Region of Cameroon the residents are apprehensive of the surge of the sect in their areas. When this reporter questioned his informant if he was aware of the news making the rounds that Boko Haram preachers are going around the areas luring youths with monetary promises that they would be rich and better Muslims if they become Boko Haram members, he did not waste time to affirm the suspicion:

“I’ve heard of a thing like that. I also know that Boko Haram members are now dreaded in Cameroon like a scourge because their offer to the unsuspecting youths is tempting. I’ve noted that some parents give out their children to join the sect so that ‘they could become rich and better Muslims than they were.”
Investigations revealed that Boko Haram members do not waste time to send back any injured youth that was training in their camps back home, although blind-folded, perhaps to avert a trace of their training camp. According to sources, Boko Haram preachers kidnap young Cameroonians and take them to Nigeria for training. Some of the affected youths were noted to be those from Banki, Kolofata and Ngeshawa in Cameroon. Apart from the so-called military training that the preachers give to their victims, they also preach the ‘favourable’ side of the Koran that invariably promote violence and tell them that they are fighting a ‘just’ fight to defend the Muslim faith.
A government official interviewed who spoke under anonymity for the fear that he might be attacked should he give his name, said: “I’m not too sure that Cameroonian youths are being preached into accepting Boko Haram as a religion, but I cannot rule out the fact that it might be truth since Nigeria and Cameroon share common ethnic and cultural affinities. This is exemplified in the Cameroon’s Far North and Nigeria’s North-East. It is a common knowledge that these areas share not only semblance of culture, but, also, speak the same language.”
According to sources, many of the youths who joined the Boko Haram-initiated Islamic school have not been seen by their family members since 2012 they were declared ‘missing’. Whether they are alive or dead, no one could give an account of their whereabouts. All the hope of the affected families is that the ‘missing’ persons are with Boko Haram and are expected to come back in the event that they are alive, better Muslims and rich. Asked why the group is in the Cameroon’s Far North; it was gathered that the neo-presence of Boko Haram members in the villages neighbouring North-Eastern Nigeria was not unconnected with the May 2013 offensive that was launched by the Nigerian military that invariably compelled the surviving members of the group to look for safety in the neighbouring Far North of Cameroon.
Notwithstanding, it was gathered that security officials in Cameroon are doing everything within their reach to send the constituents of the group packing from the country. According to an account credited to Emmanuel Bob-Iga, head of the police division at the Far North governor’s office said: “We strongly believe that Boko Haram has elements in Cameroon and the authorities are doing everything possible to track them down.”
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Odimegwu Onwumere is a Poet/Writer and a social commentator. He writes from Rivers State.

#BringBackOurGirls: Photos from London protest

It’s not yet over until it is finally over!
The #BringBackOurGirls London, protest for the release of the over 200 girls abducted by Islamic sect, Boko Haram, took place in front of Nigeria High Commission in London few days back.

Shoes banned from school to improve children's learning.

Educational institutions and their theories! Owners of Holmbush Primary School, Shoreham, East Sussex, UK have adopted a ‘shoeless classroom’ policy. It actually started in January after pupils underwent a successful trial. The idea according to the owner, Rebecca Jackson is to ‘improve learning environment.’ Pupils are allowed to wear shoes to school but would remove them at the entrance of their classrooms and go in with socks.
According to her, “When their feet are unrestricted by shoes. Pupils are said to be gentler with each other, concentrate better, and other benefits include cleaner and more hygienic carpets. During the afternoon, children with wet socks or tights were given spare dry ones and theirs were dried.'”
Parents were really angry when they saw their children troop out in socks when But a fire alarm during Friday’s rain meant pupils trooped outside in socks
when a fire alarm was sounded.
One parent spoke angrily, ‘The pupils were ushered out of the door without their shoes, and my grandson stood there on a soaking wet playground in just his socks. It is just disgusting. There are so many health hazards about kids walking about in socks on the wooden floors and chair legs slamming on their feet, but the reassurance we’ve been given is that posters are no longer stuck on walls with drawing pins. Even in hospitals you’re not allowed to walk about barefoot because of health and safety implications.’

Photos from the launch of new variants of Vaseline Lotion and Cream

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James Inglesby, Category Manager, deodorant and skin care, Unilever Plc
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A cross session of participants at the media launch

Unilever Nigeria Plc, household name and manufacturers of diverse home and personal care consumer products such as Vaseline has unveiled Vaseline Creams and Lotions into the Nigerian market.The two new products which are Vaseline Total Moisture and Vaseline Cocoa Glow was revealed at a media session organized by Vaseline. It was held recently at the BNatural Beauty Spa GRA Ikeja, Lagos. 
 

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Cross Section of participants

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Cross Section of participants

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Mr David Okeme, Marketing Director, Personal care speaking to  the participants at the media launch

2014 World Cup: Stephen Keshi releases 30-man squad list

The wait is finally over! National team head coach, Stephen Keshi has finally released his 30-man squad list for the forthcoming World Cup. Surprisingly, Osaze Odemwingie made the list (well, a source hinted few weeks ago that he would be considered), while Ike Uche was dropped.
Meanwhile, all invited players are expected to report in camp on May 26. Nigeria will face Scotland in a friendly on 28 May at Houston, Texas; Greece and the United States in June 3 and June 7 respectively. The final 23-man players list for Brazil 2014 will be compiled on 2nd June, 2014.

LIST OF PLAYERS

Forwards:  Ahmed Musa (CSKA Moscow, Russia); Shola Ameobi (Newcastle United, England); Emmanuel Emenike (Fenerbahce, Turkey); Obinna Nsofor (Chievo Verona, Italy); Peter Odemwingie (Stoke City, England), Michael Uchebo (Cercle Brugge, Belgium); Victor Moses (Liverpool, England), Uche Nwofor (Heerenveen, Holland).

Defenders:  Elderson Echiejile (AS Monaco, France); Efe Ambrose (Celtic, Scotland); Godfrey Oboabona (Rizespor, Turkey); Azubuike Egwuekwe (Warri Wolves); Kenneth Omeruo (Middlesbrough, England); Juwon Oshaniwa (Ashdod FC, Israel); Joseph Yobo (Norwich City, England); Kunle Odunlami (Sunshine Stars).

Midfielders:  John Mikel Obi (Chelsea, England); Ramon Azeez (Almeria FC, Spain); Ogenyi Onazi (SS Lazio, Italy); Joel Obi (Parma, Italy); Nnamdi Oduamadi (Varese, Italy); Ejike Uzoenyi (Enugu Rangers), Nosa Igiebor (Real Betis, Spain), Sunday Mba (CA Bastia, France), Reuben Gabriel (Waasland-Beveren, Belgium), Michael Babatunde (Volyn Lutsk, Ukraine).

Goalkeepers:  Enyeama (Lille FC, France); Austin Ejide (Hapoel Be’er Sheva, Israel), Daniel Akpeyi (Heartland), Chigozie Agbim (Gombe United)

Photos: JayJay Okocha named Bullet Energy Drink ambassador

Less than 3 months after he sealed an endorsement deal with tech company, New Age chargers, Nigerian football legend is smiling to the bank again. He has been announced as ambassador of international beverage brand, Bullet Energy Drink produced by multi-national company, Sun Mark. Recall that Nollywood actress, Chika Ike was unveiled few months back.
According to one of the management officials, choosing Jayjay was an easy decision. “His commitment to excellence, his work ethic even after retiring from active football and his liveliness are all qualities we identify with. It’s a just great match.” He added.
JayJay’s numerous career laurels include winning the Africa Nations Cup in 1994, Olympic Gold winner in Atlanta 1996, being the most expensive African player when PSG splashed $24 million on him in 1998, BBC African footballer of the year in 2004, and very few Nigerians forget that goal where he virtually dribbled half the Karlsruhe defense to score past a flailing Oliver Kahn!

Business mogul, Aliko Dangote steps out with his 'little lady'.

Billionaire business man, Aliko Dangote and his daughter, Halima were spotted at the Times 100 event in New York which was held recently to honour the 100 most influential people in the world. Recall that the industrialist, and Finance Minister, Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala are the only two Nigerians who made this year’s list.