(Here’s the
Link to the Part 1 of this piece)
Shade, are you ok? Now you are beginning to sound like that your yeye friend that they say slept with a former vice president and paid dearly for it. I heard she spent all the money she got from him on treatments afterwards.
‘Hahaha Valerie, Valerie! you sef no dey forget something?’
‘But truth be told, I have warned all my friends including you, to try and stay away from politicians especially now that election is around the corner.
These are dangerous times in our hustling calendar. Very soon you will start seeing headless and mutilated corpses everywhere. And most of these corpses are girls like us who love sweet-mouth.’
‘Shade, why don’t they use guys too for these rituals? It’s not fair naa. Why only girls?’
‘Valerie, are you that dumb? How many guys do you see standing by the roadside waiting for a free ride? Guys are smarter than us. Na our long throat dem take dey catch us.’
‘Shade, I don’t think our friend Nkem can ever stop chasing after politicians oo. She has become addicted to their groove. I heard her talking about the things they do every night, I was so shocked and didn’t know my mouth was hanging wide open. That girl knows all the classy and coded joints in this town. Even the local nkwobi and isiewu joints too.’
‘Leave that one, let her continue. Na that nkwobi dem go take finish her. Shebi if dem finish the nkwobi wey dey for plate, dem go enter the one wey dey inside her cloth?’
‘Shade are you trying to scare me with this gist this early morning because you know my movie premiere is holding later this afternoon at the presidency?’
‘Hahaha! Babes no let dem chop your nkwobi oo.’
‘Na today dem begin chop am? I no mind if dem chop am so far dem show me the money. Shade, I forgot to tell you sef, I went out with a man last night and he has promised to replace that my stolen car.’
‘YAAAAY!!! That’s my girl. I am so happy for you dear. Abeg ask whether im get any friend? Me sef want a new car oo. My dear, it is so sweet to be a female celeb in naija mehn. We are the chosen ones.’
‘Shade abeg I’m cutting this call jare, it’s almost 6am and I haven’t even slept since I got back. Don’t forget that our flight is for 9am.’
‘Valerie, what’s that sound I have been hearing since?’
‘Don’t mind my yeye husband, snoring like a trailer with a broken exhaust pipe. Let me even wake up the mumu to go and do his morning chores.’
‘Alfred! Alfred! ALFREDDDD!!! Wake up. My God, What kind of a lazy man did I marry ehn? It is already 6am and he is still sleeping like an idiot. Look at how he is staining my pillows with saliva. Alfred, will you get your useless and lazy ass off my bed? Ok, you don’t want to wake up abi? You are pretending that you can’t hear me bah? What is all this ehn? Now I have woken my princess because I am trying to wake this useless thing I call a husband. Awww my coochi coochi, come here princess. Come and give mummy a kiss. How are you? Did you sleep well?’
‘Yes mummy, I slept well.’
‘Awww, that’s my coochi coochi love. Go back to your room sweerie. Uncle Alfred is coming to bathe you now.’
‘Ok mummy. But please take it easy on Uncle Alfred. I think he is very tired. He worked all through the night. He did the dishes and scrubbed the kitchen floor. He also washed all the toilets in the house and cooked spaghetti for me.’
‘Did he help you with your homework?’
‘Yes mummy. That was when he said you went out again with that man that I don’t like. Mummy I want to poo poo.’
‘JESUS!!! Alfred, if I count to three and you are still lying there, well, you already know what I will do to you.’
‘Pour water on my face, isn’t that what you always do? You this woman sef, your wahala is becoming too much. You better stop acting those local movies because you are becoming as crazy as the characters you play.’
‘Come on, shut up your dirty mouth. I should quit acting the same movies that put food on the table right? Have you brought a penny to this house since I married you? All you do is wake up, eat, shit and drive my car to gossip with your fellow Lekki husband friends and come back here snoring like a camel at night. Hope you replaced the fuel you used yesterday because I am getting tired of spending my hard-earned money on your lazy ass.’
Honey, what do you mean that all I do is eat, sleep and shit? Don’t I wash the cars every morning? Don’t I also loosen your braids? Why are you lying that I haven’t spent a dime on you since you married me? Didn’t I buy you a handkerchief last week? Why are you talking to me this way? Is it because I lost my job before you married me? Is this how other female celebs talk to their men?’
‘Since when did you become a man? The only time you are a man is at night when you want sex. Mscheew. Man ko, mango ni. For your information, other female celebs treat their men like the crap that they are. You should thank your stars I have a better heart. Ask your friend Gbenga, let him tell you how he was washing shit off his wife boyfriend’s car tyres the last time I was at their house.’
‘Mummy, Uncle Alfred, I want to poo poo naa.’
‘Awww coochi coochi, I’m so sorry. Oya Alfred take her to poo poo. Make sure you bathe her properly and get her ready on time. Her piano teacher will soon be here. Alfred, come back here when you are done. I was told you brought that stupid friend of yours into my house yesterday.’
‘Which stupid friend?’
‘The light skin radio presenter who does the evening show on that Cool station on the island.’
‘Honey can I turn off the AC before I freeze?’
‘Shut up Alfred, stop acting like you don’t know who I’m talking about. That presenter they say beats up his wife all the time, the one that even his colleagues at the radio station don’t like; the one that musicians complain about.’
‘Honey he is not my friend oo. How can you call him my friend? Is it because he is also a Lekki husband? Must I be friends to all Lekki husbands? If you are mistaking him for my friend Femi, Femi is not an albino. Besides, none of my friends is a wife beater.’ ‘I hear you. Oya, come and help me with this dress. Can you imagine I am going late for my own movie premiere?’
‘Honey, are you not going to wear a bra? Don’t you think this your blue dress is too revealing?’
‘Alfred, stop asking stupid questions and pull up the damn dress. Didn’t I tell you that my movie premiere is at the Presidential Villa? And you want me to wear a bra?’
‘Ehen? Are you going to premiere your movie or yourself?’
‘Alfred please, I am not in the mood for your meaningless talks. Just shut up ok? How do you think I put food on the table? Has it ever occurred to you to ask how I bought the cars you drive? Do you think any female celebrity can achieve anything in this country by wearing bra? Help me bring my phone joo, that must be Shade. I’m off but I will be back in Lagos with the last flight. Me and my girls are hanging out here in Lagos tonight. Hey Alfred, before I forget, when Princess is asleep, I need you to rush down to “The Palms” and buy a pack of boxers for that my dark man-friend. His birthday is tomorrow.’
‘Honey what is his waist size?’
‘Alfred, please be smart for once. You are asking me this stupid question as if you haven’t met him before. Ok, he’s your size. If that’s what you want to hear. Please take very good care of my Princess. And don’t let me look for you when I get back. Do you hear me? Alfred, are you deaf? I say don’t let me look for you when I am back.’
‘Ahan naa honey, I have heard you.’
