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Photos: Ex House of Rep speaker, Patricia Etteh graduates from Buckingham University

Nigeria’s first female Speaker of the House of Representatives, Hon Patricia Etteh, who enrolled at Buckingham University, UK in September 2012 for a 2-year law degree programme is now a graduate.
The 61 year-old former Legislator who was tagged an ‘illiterate hair dresser’ was pictured cutting a cake at her graduation party yesterday.
Recall that Mrs. Etteh was forced out of power on allegations of corruption and gross abuse of office in October 2007.
She allegedly spent N628m for the renovation of her official home and that of her deputy as well as the purchase of 12 official vehicles.

Opinion: Who will save us from Mrs. Malaprop? | By: Gimba Kakanda

As if the campaign trails that have had the handlers of the incumbent President Goodluck Jonathan furiously against the emergence of retired General Muhammadu Buhari as the leading opposition candidate were not exciting enough as comedy shows, we’re being introduced to more hilarious campaign as the wives of the two leading presidential candidates go round the country rallying support for their husbands.

While Mrs. Buhari’s style of identification with the masses, like assisting roadside akara and puff-puff vendors to fry, considered condescending, was an unoriginal comedy, the lady she’s seeking to succeed is already the winner in the comedy category of their aspiration.
Mrs. Goodluck Jonathan is an incomparable clown, only that she’s exhibiting this skill at the wrong occasions and in the wrong way.

During her most recent performance in Port Harcourt, amusing a crowd of women that her husband would marry them if they got pregnant, in her portrayal of the President as gender-sensitive and pro-women welfare, she dismissed Buhari as “expired drug” and her husband “a lion!”
But that was nothing compared to her earlier description of the 72 year-old General as “brain-dead”! In Benin, she said, “Everybody is staying there (the Seat of Power) for eight years. Now it’s our turn. We must complete our eight years. It is a constitution of this country. We will complete our two tenure and hand over.” Not done with this absurd logic, she added: “They are looking for fight, they are looking for war… That is why they went and take expired drugs.”

What beats me more is her conviction that, indeed, her husband is an achiever. It’s however ironic for a lady who was many times at foreign hospitals, with her husband in power, and during whose administration doctors have gone on strike for poor welfare, to boldly campaign that “Goodluck has built uncountable hospitals… (and) trained doctors and nurses.”
Perhaps it’s only normal to appease the women of Lokoja in what seemed like an apology for her husband’s atrocious administration: “I brought some gift for you, I brought rice, I brought meat, I brought brocade. I brought many things for you.”
Calabar was the venue of Mrs. Jonathan’s most despicable clowning. Just the way her husband’s subdued deputy, Namadi Sambo, fumbled in attempts to polarise the nation, the First Lady seemed to have also dug out her husband’s political grave deeper by saying, “Our people no dey born shildren wey dem no dey fit count. Our men no dey born shildren throway for street. We no dey like the people for that side.” – a spite of the North and its destitute beggars.
Mrs. Jonathan seems to have a certain speech impediment. I’ve realised that and, out of a certain sensitivity, I no longer mock her malapropian outbursts. I know some of us do so merely to escape the horrifying realities mismanaged by her darling husband.
What I find disturbing, and which I don’t think should be dismissed as another of her malapropian ways, is the way she continuously contradicts the expectation of a university graduate as literate, learned and supposedly perceptive. Our flawed expectations!
While we all should be ashamed of the educational system that produced Mr. and Mrs. Jonathan at a time our education system wasn’t this chaotic, we need to agree that the nation’s first couple is a reflection of our flaws as a society and a state over the years.
Having this couple as the most important ambassadors of a nation of over 150 million disgruntled people may be ranked the biggest tragedy of this democracy whenever the generation after us sets out to document the miseries of our time.
Like many friends, I’m a reluctant Buharist. But he’s our alternative right now, and thus it’s natural to ignore Mrs. Jonathan’s order that “Anybody that comes and tells you ‘change’, stone that person.”
The joke that Her Excellency wants us stoned for demanding replacement of her husband, over which a number of us are laughing, overlooking it as another of her comedy shows that’s approaching the end, wasn’t taken so by the International Criminal Court (ICC).
This administration has dragged us so low that the ICC, also recognising that “America will know” when it’s uneasy here, has grumbled to rouse fear in our misbehaving politicians. Something needs to save us from Mrs. Malaprop, and ICC, despite it all seeming like a confirmation that ours isn’t a sovereign state anymore. May God save us from us!
Credit: Premiumtimesng.com

Oh No! New case of Ebola confirmed in Liberia.

Liberia’s hopes of being certified Ebola-free by the World Health Organization (WHO) was dealt a major set back as a woman tested positive to the disease yesterday in the country’s capital.
This sad news is coming three weeks after the country discharged its last known patient, Beatrice Yardolo, from a treatment centre in Monrovia.
Liberia’s Acting Head of the Ebola Incident Management Team, Dr Francis Kateh who confirmed the incident said it has been impossible to establish how the woman became infected but the woman has been moved to the treatment centre.
Over 10,000 people have died from the fatal illness which was discovered about a year ago in Guinea., 4,283 from Liberia, 3,712 in Sierra Leone, 2,241 in Guinea and 8 in Nigeria.

"Mr President please leave entertainers alone." Etcetera writes

Once again, Nollywood and President Jonathan are disconnected from the priorities of Nigerians. Millions are hungry and the country is headed off a cliff and what we get is the President having weekly dinner with celebs at Eko Hotel.
Mr. President should know that all entertainers in the country won’t amount to a spoon of water in the bucket of our population. I agree that our entertainers judging by recent behaviour are now seen as hungry men and women with insatiable appetite, but Mr. President, the larger part of the society are equally hungry and should be fed as well.
Why feed just the entertainers? Isn’t that discrimination? What will the entertainers say to Jonathan except the usual lies and half truths? Can a man with a mouthful of undeserved food speak or say the truth? 
An assessment of the lifestyle of these entertainers gives a false picture of the situation of things as it affects the society at large. I got your invite for the first dinner which held at Eko Hotel and I boycotted it because I felt that any event by the government at this point in time should be about reassuring the people that the government feels their pains deeply with promises of working tirelessly to bring an end to the underlying causes of such situations in this country, not getting together to eat small chops and samosa while most Nigerians are languishing.
It was very embarrassing waking up the next morning to see our shameless celebrities posing with their invites on social media which invariably means they are telling their fans and the masses who brought them to fame that they are enjoying the good life and everyone else can go to hell.
Any event by the government at this point in time should be about reassuring the people that the government feels their pains deeply with promises of working tirelessly to bring an end to the underlying causes of such situations in this country, not getting together to eat small chops and samosa while most Nigerians are languishing.

One entertainer jokingly asked why the President is having these dinners with (the same set of) celebs all the time. I wanted to attribute it to youth empowerment but on a second thought, If Mr. President has a genuine interest in youth empowerment, hosting a few entertainers doesn’t cut across as empowering the youth.

I think Mr. President has been wrongly advised that entertainers can be used to influence the Nigerian youths and electorate. These entertainers can’t influence votes within their families.
Another thing is, if Mr. President must have an interactive session with entertainers, he should consider a larger representation of entertainers from all parts of the country, not just those who ply their trade in the south. It will seem to most people that Mr. President is only interested in entertainers from the south. It is called the Nigerian entertainment industry not the South South and South East entertainment industry.
Has Mr. President taken over responsibilities of the Lagos State governor because he currently seems to enjoy greater visibility in the state than the governor and these visits come with a heavy cost to the state in terms of lost man hours caused by traffic along the routes to the event venue.
Streets are usually cordoned off by security personnel and a strange difficulty to use mobile phones in such areas, possibly because of the deployment of radio signal jamming devices by the operatives on guard in those areas.

Residents of Lagos shouldn’t go through this because their President is in town. I’ll love to tell Mr. President that service, not celebrities, delivers votes.

Tres Chic! You will love these new photos of Rita Dominic

She is as strong in the style department as she is in the acting department, albeit this isn’t only about the outfit but the flawless look. Arguably the best dressed Nollywood actress, Rita Dominic looks youthful, fresh and chic in these new ‘commercial’ photos for Keystone Bank.

I will never forgive Buhari – Afenifere leader.

Afenifere leader, Chief Ayo Adebanjo has vowed not to forgive the presidential candidate of the All Progressives Congress, General Muhammadu Buhari for his past misdeeds against Yoruba leaders while he was head of state.
Speaking yesterday at the post-National Conference in Lagos themed, ‘Into tomorrow and beyond’, the 87-year-old elder stateman said, “Back then, Awolowo warned Shagari that his government would soon hit the rock if he did not put things in order. Shortly after, in December 1983, Buhari overthrew the government but the man that was speaking against Shagari was harrassed by Buhari.
He added that, “Buhari picked up 
all the Yoruba governors: Adekunle Ajasin (Ondo State); Olabisi Onabanjo (Ogun) and others, who were true progressives and locked them up.

“Somebody said I am a Christian and I should forgive Buhari but I said I cannot forgive such. Ajasin’s children say they have forgiven Buhari but I am not in their party, I can’t forgive him.”

UCL Quarter-finals draw: See who your favourite team has been paired with

The official result of the Uefa Champions. League draw is out. Which quarter-final are you looking forward to most? For me it’s Real Madrid Vs Athletico Madrid. Some interesting tie there. Matches will be played on April 14/15 and 21/22 2015.
(1) Paris Saint Germain vs Barcelona
(2) Atletico Madrid vs Real Madrid,
(3) FC Porto vs Bayern Munich
(4) Juventus vs AS Monaco

Louis Van Gaal yearns for family life, says Man United job will be his last.

63 year-old Red Devil manager, Louis van Gaal has revealed that his Manchester United job will be his last managerial role in football. The dutchman who has had spells at Ajax, Barcelona and Bayern Munich is looking forward to returning to Portugal and spending quality time with his family.
“I have a paradise in Portugal. I want to quit to go there, play golf, eat fantastic food. There are very good wines in Portugal. There is the beach, the very beautiful weather. I don’t want to travel.

“Everyone wants to touch my body in the airports; it is always peeping because I have an 
artificial hip. I am the only one who has been controlled every time when we fly. I don’t like it. It’s better to sit down in my – our – paradise.

“I am also old. This is my last job. For sure. I have to pay attention to my kids, my grandchildren but also to my wife. They deserve it. Now I cannot pay that attention. I was not at the birthday of my grandson for example. I don’t like it.” He said

Opinion: Nigeria Offers Blood Money Again | By: Abimbola Adelakun

After a year of seeming neglect of the victims of the botched Nigeria Immigration Service recruitment that claimed 15 lives and left many more maimed in body and soul, Nigeria has once again offered blood money in lieu of justice. At a recent event, President Goodluck Jonathan gave each bereaved family a cheque of N5 million and also handed out 35 employment letters to them, collectively.

Nigeria has that habit of throwing cash at issues that should be resolved through a deployment of state juridical apparatuses. In the wake of these tragedies, you hardly hear of any diligent investigation, rigorous prosecution, enactment of relevant legislation and heightened social conscientisation.

 Rather, Nigeria resorts to sating the grief of the bereaved families with cash; a way of also assuaging state officials’ conscience at having failed in their primary duty of protecting members of the society.

Let’s not forget that this sudden book of remembrance opened in favour of the deceased was most 

likely to have been inspired by the coming elections. 
Look everywhere, past acts of negligence are suddenly gaining currency and being shoddily redressed. From Borno State to Lagos State to Abuja, the government is making frantic efforts to be seen as government of the people and deserving of the votes of the people. 
The problem is, Nigeria has wronged most of us and if we all were to issue an invoice, the country will be bankrupt under the overwhelming weight of the receipts.
In 2011, after the post-election crisis that resulted in the death of nine youth corps members, there were neither arrests nor prosecution of those who committed that heinous evil. Rather, Jonathan resorted to also “settling” their families with cash and a promise-laden speech.
Truly, Jonathan instituted a 26-member committee – which would – turn out to be one of the many his government would- led by Sheik Ahmed Lemu to inquire into the cause of those acts of violence in northern Nigeria that claimed some 800 lives (according to Human Rights Watch) but not much came out of that effort.
The panel, in its report delivered on October 2011, particularly pointed out that the culture of violence in Nigeria is largely precipitated by the country’s persistent failure to enforce justice when violent crisis occurs.
As a result, the panel recommended that the President looked into certain past reports on incidences of civil disturbances violence such as the Justice Disu Judicial Commission of Inquiry into Plateau State Disturbances; Babalakin Judicial Commission of Inquiry into Bauchi State Civil Disturbances; Niki Tobi Judicial Commission of Inquiry into Plateau State Disturbance; Justice Sankey Judicial Commission of Inquiry into Wase and Langtang Disturbances; Karibi Whyte Judicial Commission of Inquiry into Kafanchan 
Disturbances; Professor Tamuno Panel of Inquiry on National Security and Justice Uwais Electoral Reform Committee. 
The Lemu panel asked the state to follow the recommendations of the aforementioned panels to prevent future reoccurrence of violence.
In all the discourse about the possibility of violence in this current election, not once have I heard the government mention its implementation of the suggestions of the Lemu report. 
It makes one conclude that really, it will never bother learning hard lessons when it is easier to just pay off people.
The case of the “NIS nine” is not the first and only time people will die in a stampede that occurs at large gatherings. When the Adoration Ground tragedy happened in Enugu in 2013, politicians blamed one another and left it there.
 We have seen poor people scrounging for food in Senator Bukola Saraki’s soup kitchen die and nobody is ever queried for what is most likely through attitudes of negligence.

Those deaths have happened through consecutive years but we have yet to see deliberate steps taken to prevent a recurrence.

 The best Nigeria does is thrust cash in the palms of the bereaved and urge the rest of us to move on, move the nation forward and put those “distractions” behind us and let old things pass away just like that. 
The wrap-up of the case of the “NIS nine” as done by President Jonathan is particularly immoral considering the road that led to the deaths of those young job seekers.

Here is how it all went down: A government agency advertises a recruitment for a vacancy of about 4,000 spaces, most of which have most likely been snagged by politicians and prebendalists close to political power.

This same agency sells application forms to between 500,000 and 600,000 candidates (there are no official figures) at the rate of N1000 each turning the exercise into one of the most disingenuous lotteries ever. The applicants were asked to congregate at various stadia all over the country where the tawdriness of the exercise resulted in tragedy when stampedes occurred at the venues of the exercise.
The Minister of Interior, Abba Moro, under whose watch the whole disaster happened, in a bid to save his incompetent face, quickly blamed the victims for their own death. In a society where people have shame, leaders who fall into disrepute like Moro would enter their bedroom and never come out again but in Nigeria, leaders wear shame like a designer label. 
The House of Representatives said it would investigate the tragedy and that promise concluded its contribution.
So, why has financial compensation come up before a detailed inquiry into the circumstances of the deaths? Who was to blame for the deaths and what punishment has been meted out to such a person? Even worse, there has not been anyone owning up to the reality of unemployment in Nigeria. What we have been gifted with are lies, false statistics and barefaced abuse of figures!

Despite the President’s promising that this will never happen again, we know the likes of Moro have barely learnt their lessons. One might argue that the tedium of Nigeria gets to everyone such that we all just want to move on, far away from the many disasters that characterise our national existence and leave the dead behind. Yet, the reason they keep recurring is because we do not deal with them appropriately.
Rather than stampedes and similar disasters be accepted as acts of God, Nigeria needs to take some time to invest in organisational planning at both public and private levels. And the reality of that necessity cannot hit anyone until those who have been responsible for shoddy preparations in the past have been called to judgment. That is one thing blood money can never do. It can only take off the moral weight off the conscience of those responsible for the disasters but it can never prevent such occurrences from happening again.
Credit: thesheet.ng

Short Story: Just a glass of Rubis….and the… | By: Ogechi Nwobia

You see, the things that get you in trouble are usually the things you spend your entire life avoiding but somehow, they manage to catch up with you. And then you wonder and ask yourself, how did this even happen? How did I get here?

My name is Bimpe and this is my story.
I’ve been dating Yazid for a little over a year now and it’s been great. We’re practically headed for the altar and I am madly excited about it. He is a fine boy with plenty Dubai Arab money to throw around and no, he does not hit me or bully me.

Yazid is just perfect. He is calm, soft spoken and somewhat reserved. I am the more eccentric and crazy one.
It so happens that Yazid’s dad for some weird reason doesn’t really approve of me. He’s of the opinion that women should be homely and quiet and “responsible” and all that old school kind of thinking. But my darling Yazid always rises to my defense and insists that he cut me some slack.
Yazid says we’re perfect for each other, we balance each other out. I appreciate that he does that because I know how close he is to his dad. They are more like siblings actually. It’s so weird.
Now, because I’m naturally crazy, I never take alcohol. I have always believed my madness would triple if I attempted liquor so alcohol has always been a no-no for me. I can get my groove on without any form of assistance, thank you.
It was Ameera’s ( Yazid’s baby sister) graduation, Yazid had thrown her a party in their family house and of course, I was there to raise the roof.
The party was bubbling and everyone was having a great time. I had danced till my feet hurt and I was really thirsty. I walked over to the table where the drinks were set out and tried to find some water. Ameera walked up beside me and drew me close in a hug.
“Sis! This party is aweesomeee! Thank youuuuuu!”
I laughed and removed strands of her Brazillian weave from her face.
“You’re welcome princess. But this wasn’t me. It was all your brother.”
She snatched up a bottle of red wine and passed it to the guy behind the table.

“Can you help me open it please?”
The guy smiled and nodded then she turned to me and said
“You’re drinking that with me.”
I laughed and shook my head.

“No darling.”
“Hell yeah! It’s my grad party and you’ve got to celebrate with me.”
I shook my head again but Ameera would have none of it. She cajoled and begged and insisted and then I gave in.
“It’s Rubis, it’s really sweet. Just one glass.”
“Alright! Fine! Just one glass.”
Ameera clapped both hands together in glee and giggled like a school girl. I shook my head.
The bottle returned and she poured some for me in a glass. I hadn’t eaten at all that evening and I was really tired from all the dancing so I promised myself it would not be more than one glass.
 As soon as I tasted the wine however, something changed. It was amazing!
Ameera kept chattering on and on and I kept drinking, one glass after another. Soon, I realized I could not stand right. My heels were suddenly uncomfortable. I took them off and held them in my hands. Ameera looked me over
“Feather weight! You okay?”
She laughed really loudly and I even thought I didn’t hear her clearly, whatever it was that she said felt funny so I laughed loudly too. I was a little dizzy and needed to lay my head down.
“I’m going back to dance.” This time, she yelled over the noise of the music and I heard her.
I nodded.
“Where’s Yazid?” I yelled back.
 I was dizzy but I wanted a kiss as well. My head was fuzzy and the signals in my brain were all messed up.
“Room!”
I nodded again and walked away, laughing and shaking my head. Ameera had done the one thing no one had ever been able to do. She’d gotten me drunk. I walked slowly up the stairs. Everything seemed to be moving, including the doors.
I finally located Yazid’s door and just opened it without knocking. My eyes went straight to the bed. He was right there cuddling some other lady.
I was in absolute shock. I froze.
I raised my hand and pointed my index finger at him stuttering and failing at coherence.
“Boo, wha.. what’s this.. that…that..wha…”

He got off the bed swiftly, anger burning in his eyes. The other lady just sat there and stared at me oddly.

I was stunned into silence by the stinging slap that hit my face and the voice that thundered
“What is wrong with you?!”

I blinked several times. There was something wrong with his voice.
The slap seemed to hit my reset button and my eyes opened clearly to see Yazid’s dad staring furiously at me.

Mega mess up.
I chanced a quick side look and realized this wasn’t Yazid’s room.
Shoot.
I opened my mouth to apologize but what came out instead was something that ruined my life.
I threw up. All over Yazid’s dad…

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Ogechi Nwobia writes flash fiction, lifemathics articles and run fiction series on her blog. She’s a people lover and a talkaholic.
Twitter: @Oge_writes

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