Nollywood actors, Ramsey Nouah and Monalisa Chinda were spotted at the inauguration ceremony of actor cum politician, Desmond Elliot and other lawmakers into the Lagos State House of Assembly yesterday Monday, June 8. Desmond a member of the All Progressives Congress (APC) is representing Surulere constituency.
At What Point Does She Check Your Phone | By: Joseph Edgar
This is a million and one question. At what point should she check your phone. This was the question I threw at a group of guys. All married men, all cheating with very young and sweet nubile girls. The kind that the Emir of Daura and Oshiomole are married to.
Immediately that question came, they all screamed in unison. Face squeezed and the imagined physical pain from the expected slap on the face from a pained lover firmly etched on their ugly cheating faces. I looked round the table and saw a group of philanderers who will go to any length to cover their misdeeds.
They all looked at me, like I had just ran mad. Like I was overdosed on cocaine and all concluded that I must be out of my mind and as such I should head to the nearest MFM church for deliverance. Why would such a thought come into my head, let alone say it out. Your sweet young girlfriend going through your phone, you must really be crazy.
Kai, the contents of a philanderers phone, the naked pics from a new conquest, the picture of a shriveled and old penis laced with gray hair that was sent earlier in the night but has found its way to the outbox, the xrated chats with the young tea girl in the office. The one with the ass that could melt cold butter. Yes that one. The one your best friend and fellow cheat was staring at when he came to visit you. The chats asking for money to embark on the fourth abortion from the hapless housemaid, the one related to your wife and the one you saw your son trying to touch the other day.
The phone of a cheat, is deadlier than a hurriedly prepared bomb by the heartless Boko Haram. That bomb would kill twice as many people as the most deadly bomb thrown by those bastards. It is that phone that a young and sweet virgin wants to play a game on. She ask for the phone and with a sweaty hand, the cheat hands the phone over. With sweaty shaky hands, he drops the phone and immediately starts reciting the psalms hoping that for once, the psalmist would intercede on his behalf making the sweet young girl concentrate in her childish foley instead of going through more mature endeavors like the picture gallery.
The conversation immediately moves to the how. The how to keep the phone away from the wife, the young sweet thing and the housemaid. With fear and sweaty dirty faces, the group conspires and exchange ideas. Have two phones, pull the battery as you approach home, delete all be contacts as you get near her, throw the phone into the nearest lagoon, change all female names to male names, put the phone on silent, lock it up in the car booth and never take it home, give it to the driver and finally don’t even have one.
In their panic, the thought to change their ways never crossed their minds but instead stories of near misses and embarrassment in the hands of the wife, sweet young thing and housemaid get exchanged. At the end of the evening, the drinks remained untouched, the sweet young thing stayed alone in the paid for room, her host and paramour, distracted and hobbled in fear has lost his libido and rather stays with his group of fools to further share this fear and seek comfort in the midst of castrated predators.
Finally, they all stand up, walk towards their cars and like arrested coup plotters drive ever so slowly home. Pictures of disgrace, smashed egos, depressed libidos continue to cascade in their tired brains leading to vows of celibacy to avoid imminent guillotine.
But seriously, should she go through your phone? Your wife, the sweet young thing, the house maid? Should she go through your phone? Na who I dey ask.
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Joseph Edgar is an investment banker who writes as a hobby. He comments on trending issues in Nigeria and around the globe from a satirical point of view. He blogs at josephedgarng.blogspot.com
Photocredit: shutterstock.com
Jack Wilshere reacts to his FA charge.
Arsenal midfielder Jack Wilshere who just got charged by the FA following his anti-Tottenham chanting during his club’s FA Cup victory parade has described his punishment as harsh. Speaking to mirror.co.uk, the 29 year-old said:
“Yes, that’s one way of looking at it, but at the same time people have been giving me a lot of stick for having some fun and enjoying myself at the end of the season. We’ve worked hard all year and we’ve won a trophy. That’s the best feeling in the world. No matter what job you do, if at the end of the year you get a promotion and a bonus, you’re going to go out and celebrate. So I think that side of things was a bit harsh. I am quite proud of always having had that bond with the Arsenal fans since I was young because I came through the club.
“I grew up at Arsenal and I love the fans, but believe it or not, I’ve actually got family who are Tottenham fans so it’s nothing
personal against them, it was just a bit of fun. I found out about the charge when I met up with England. One of the press officers told me. It was a surprise. I didn’t know I’d been charged so I was like, ‘what?. It’s being dealt with by the FA and my club. What will be, will be.”
Cuties! David Luiz and Thiago Silva's lookalikes spotted again.
Remember Lyan and Murilo, David Luiz and Thiago Silva’s lookalikes whose picture went viral during the World Cup last year? The cute kids were spotted last night again.
Accompanied by their mums to the game between Brazil and Mexico, they stood with the Brazil squad for the national anthem. Brazil beat Mexico 2-0.
Police seize Cristiano Ronaldo's mum's cash.
This gist is a bit belated, I learnt it happened in May. Spanish media, El Mundo reported that Maria Dolores dos Santos Aveiro,the mum to World best footballer, Cristiano Ronaldo was stopped
stopped by the police in Madrid’s Barajas airport few weeks back for stacking €55,000 cash in her luggage.
Now, the Spanish law forbids passengers to travel with more than €10,000. During interrogation, she was unable to explain how she came about the cash and what it was for? The police were left with no option than to seize extra €45,000 from her. meaning she collected €10,000 and continued her journey.
El Mundo, gathered that she will now have to answer questions from the Spanish tax authority about the seized money.
Credit: 101greatgoals.com
Photos from Barcelona's FC's treble street parade.
Spanish football club, Barcelona had a spectacularly beautiful season clinching three trophies; La Liga, Copy Dey Rel and Champions League. Above are pictures of the players, fans and coach celebrating the well deserved victory. The street parade kicked off at the club’s stadium, Camp Nou.
Call Me Caitlyn Edgar
As I watch my former friend Bruce Jenner morph into a very beautiful mature sexy woman, I begin to ask myself questions. These questions bother on why I should not do the same thing and transform into Ekaette, oluwayemisi Edgar. You see, these thoughts have been swirling in my head with all the media attention and money my friend Bruce or sorry Caitylyn has been making since she cut off her penis and introduced breasts and make up into her life.
The only thing that has stopped me so far but not for long though is the sweetness of a curvy, chubby woman. Once I remember just how lovely it is as you descend into the core of womanhood, I will just back out from making that call. But why would I want to turn into a woman. Is life as a woman more interesting, I doubt.
What with all their wahala, expensive fake hair, monthly visitor, the fact that they itch for marriage and when they get married itch to get out. The fact that they remain subservient to their husbands and can’t even go and buy sweet without taking permission is really a big turn off. Although an attraction for me is the opportunity of having those organs like the breast and the you know what all to myself without having to beg, steal or borrow to enjoy it is a definite pull.
But how would I look like as a woman. I have looked at myself critically, I’m sure I would have to pay a premium to get the change because the Doctors would have to work double to ensure a successful sex change. They would have to work on my scattered teeth, straighten my Bowlegs, reduce my calves, take extra time to shave off my huge manhood, which I must say is really huge, bleach my skin, grow very very big breast for me and carve out a Kim Kardashian type ass for me. All these would cost quite a pile and take double the time it took them to transform Bruce to transform me to Ekaette.
Now what kind of men would I be attracted to. I would want to date men who are like me now.. Men, who are sophisticated and classy. Men who understand the rhythms of classical music and who know how to treat a lady. but what kind of men would I like to sleep with, I will like to sleep with men like Chinese men with little peckers so they won’t spoil the newly created vagina and as I get older and the vagina gets more relaxed and ready I will graduate from Chinese men and go for Yoruba men with a little bit bigger peckers than Chinese men but still small though and then end up with calabar men who not only have fantastic peckers but know how to use it. I will not go near the Hausa men whose peckers are legendary in their size lest my vagina ends up like a Boko Haram Bomb site.
As I think, I begin to imagine what could go wrong as a woman, I won’t know how to seat like a lady, I would give every body a free show as I would continue to seat like a man opening up my legs and showing my newly manufactured vagina for all to see. I will not know how to keep men guessing and making them work before getting access to my gloryhole. I will still have the manly strong urge for sex and would thereby turn into a nympho and increase the risk of catching Aids. I could be exposed to very wicked men, who will be mean to me and take advantage of my inexperience at being a woman and much more importantly I would really be ugly as a woman.
So all said, I think I will rest the idea of turning into Ekaette and remain the strong confident He goat that has continued to be a terror to all women from size 20 and above.
Teheeeeeee
Joseph Edgar is an investment banker who writes as a hobby. He comments on trending issues in Nigeria and around the globe from a satirical point of view. He blogs at josephedgarng.blogspot.com
Photo: Looks like Eniola Badmus' movie is going to be lovely.
Actress, Eniola Badmus was spotted on the street of London in her wedding gown. Remember we shared a pic of her in the gown a week ago. This was taken from the shoot of her upcoming movie, ‘Basira in London’.
The Caitlyn Jenner Transgender Madness | By: Etcetera
And that’s how Bruce Jenner unveiled his new identity, leaving his male identity behind with Caitlyn. Trust Nigerians not to be left behind in the gossip and buzz it generated.
A female radio presenter was like, “Oh my God,” so Bruce Jenner is now Caitlyn Jenner? What the hell is going on?”
Pleaseeeee, Nigerians should stop feigning surprise like they’ve not seen or heard anything like this before. You all should stop acting like we don’t have our own Denrele Edun.
Mscheeeeeewwwww – is it because Bruce or Caitlyn (whatever she is called now) finally had enough balls to come out and say he is now a woman? It’s just a matter of time, Denrele will be woman enough and do same thing and give us something new to talk about aside from his Nkechi-like hairdo.
I don’t think it should even be in our news that Caitlyn Jenner is now a transgender. There are thousands of them in America. They infused the word in our vocabulary and it has become an umbrella term for people whose gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned by God.
An American transgender described Caitlyn as the “Change” that America champions which is why America is always ahead of the rest of the world.
Hahahahaha! Change indeed.
HELLO!!!! can someone tell that American transgender or transsexual or whatever she is that the slogan for the new government in Nigeria is “CHANGE?”
Lol, we’ve had Denrele since and we didn’t see him as change… Maybe someone should show her Denrele’s pictures so that she will be aware that Nigeria is catching up with them. Jesus Christ! Is this what being westernised is all about? Isn’t this madness? Isn’t that the term for those who enjoy dressing as the opposite sex? Or should we refer to Denrele as a cross-dresser for now until he finally plucks off his balls? Does it look like Denrele will eventually pluck off his balls? Yes, eventually. It is just a matter of time.
We are already used to his lipsticks, heels and Nkechi hairdo. And of course, he’s already been a poster “girl” for Nigerian magazines for as long as I can remember. The same poster girl that Bruce, oh sorry Caitlyn Jenner has dreamt of becoming since he/she was a child. Shit!!! – How do you write an article about Denrele and Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner if you keep identifying them by the wrong gender pronoun? Am I going to be saying “sorry” whenever I make mistakes like, “He looks hot,” or “she looks hot?” The American system has made it impossible to mention Bruce and balls in the same sentence. Like Caitlyn Jenner, are we soon going to start using the V-word for Denrele and Charlie boy too? I pray we never get there.
Our society doesn’t deserve such cruelty and madness. Denrele and Charlie Boy, for society’s sake, please keep your balls.. Lol…
Lawmakers, we need a little help here. Can you guys please give us something to stop Denrele, Uncle Charlie Boy or any other Nigerian from de-balling themselves now or anytime in the future? The lawmakers should do something about transgenders.
That Bruce Jenner is no longer a man proves that America has gone mad. We shouldn’t allow the west to influence us wrongly. These guys have been the butt of jokes and the source of rumours and speculations for years, as their appearances became more feminine.
They need our prayers now more than ever. As for Bruce Jenner, he needs Jesus. Without Jesus, he is hopeless—regardless of whether he struggles with gender identity or not. Eternity is a small and rapidly decreasing number of heartbeats away and he will live in hell, as Bruce Jenner, not Caitlyn, for trillions of years (forever) in horrifying, unending torment, with a never-ending panic attack. The same goes for everyone who is reading this and has been chasing a different identity from that which God has given you. Hell is your future. You will live in terror. This is the truth.
The most hotly anticipated football match is here.
The hotly anticipated football match between Spanish club, Barcelona and Italian side, Juventus is today. The Champions League game is taking place at Berlin, Germany and needless to say it promises to be an exciting match.
Although Barcelona are favourites to win the trophy but you know football can be unpredictable. I’m an ardent fan of Barcelona and of course I’m backing them to claim the silverware. Wishing both sides the best of luck.